let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
