Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
