Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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