Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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