hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nicole vs. Life
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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