I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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