He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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