I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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