i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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