ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
