I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
