it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
