I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
