My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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