i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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