Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
