Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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