I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
