If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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