***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
