I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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