I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
