drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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