dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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