New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
