I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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