I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
