She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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