If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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