hotel room ftw
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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