I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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