Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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