I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
