my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
