so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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