oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
