I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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