Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
