I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
