Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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