Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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