If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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