Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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