after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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