I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
