worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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