i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
