If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
