we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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