You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
