you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
