its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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