Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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