I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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