found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
