drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
