when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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