I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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