I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
