Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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